Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
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I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
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Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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