Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
