I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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