I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
