i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
