The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
