So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
