Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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