This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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