chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
