I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
