I want you more than these girls want KFC
pop tarts are not kleenex
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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