It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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