So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
