I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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