My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
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Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
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Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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