Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Acid is not a monday night drug
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Did I show you my penis last night?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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