I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
