My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
