He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
