Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You were trust falling into bushes
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?