There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Redeem this text for a blowjob
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared