I puked a lego.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.