I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
