If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
