So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
