I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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