I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
