Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Randomize
