It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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