nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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