I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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