when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
