see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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