I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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