What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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