Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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