the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
