all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
