I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
