But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
