hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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