yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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