She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
