i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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