I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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