I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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