ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
