the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
