Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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