i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
