i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
