Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
