you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
