new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you didnt know i had herpes?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
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