I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
