I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
