I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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