I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
