she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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