Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
