I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
