I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
